Almost exactly two years to the date that SB collared me, he has removed my beloved collar–rightfully so… This is not a poor pitiful me or anything of that sort.
My lessons? Honesty, Openness, Faithfulness, and Complacency….
I’ve always said that SB and I were open, honest, and faithful… and I fucked up… Back in December 2014, I was under the assumption or thought that SB didn’t want to re-sign our contract, and there for a few days, I was no longer under contract with Him… I was feeling down while at work, and a guy came in and we started talking and flirting (something I do with most customers)… but this guy… I don’t even remember what it was about him… I don’t even think it was him… it was me, the way I was feeling about myself… like SB didn’t want me, didn’t desire me (MY mindset)… I knew SB was sleeping because he was having to fly out to Cali early in the morning… I didn’t want to wake him, but I knew I should call him and let him know that I was thinking of going to this guy’s hotel room (fuck if I can remember his name)…. but my dumb brain was thinking, also, that I wasn’t under contract so I didn’t need to contact SB…
Needless to say, I went to the guy’s hotel room.. and kept it from SB… I felt guilty-because I was (am)…. Sure, SB and I are in an open relationship, but we tell each other if we’re going to be with someone else.. I failed…
A week or so later, SB and I were discussing our contract… and I was confused-whether I’d confused myself or I hadn’t read it completely-to understand that we just reviewed the contract every six months, and signed yearly… That was the perfect time to confess my hotel romp.. but I didn’t… I failed, yet again…. The guy contacted me through email and he thought that I had an STD… then quit talking to me because I hadn’t ever gotten tested….
So…. I forgot about him… til he contacted me in March 2016…. saying he was back in town and wotnot… I just wanted to talk to him on the phone and tell him that I’d contracted HSV (diagnosed 02-04-2016)… in hopes that that would scare him away… and to find out why he’d taken so long to contact me…. I still hadn’t told SB this….
The guy comes back in town as SB is leaving out of town for Cali again… I only gave him options to meet me while I was at work…. I had no intention of doing anything physical with him…. just wanted to talk and that was it…. I still hadn’t told SB…
SB comes home from Cali last night, while I was at work…comes over to my apartment on his way to a jobsite… and checks my collar to see if the screw was rusted–he uncollared me… then asked if there was anything I needed to tell him…. I almost instantly knew what he was talking about but I was afraid to tell him anything…
“I’m having trust issues.” Is all he would say… and I had to confess… I shouldn’t have ever had to confess anything, especially this late…. Don’t get me wrong.. I’m not saying that I shouldn’t have told him… I am saying that I should have told him in 2014 .. right after it happened… hell… in hindsight… I should have called him that night… and told him…
That guy is the only person I’ve ever kept from SB… and I’m feeling….. so many different things… all negative toward myself… I’m not suicidal… Just sad and angry with myself…
The missing collar was always my constant hug from SB… and that is gone now… my neck feels so naked… but it was His to give and to take away… and I am deserving this punishment… I thought I would always wear it.. I became complacent in it’s meanings… I adore SB more than I have ever adored anyone in my entire life… He’s not going away, he’s not kicking me out of his life… I just have to earn my way back in his good graces, and, if he so desires, his collar, once again.
Daddy… I’m so sorry that I have disappointed You.