Can’t sleep 2.19.2014

Seems a typical theme for me, always has been,
but lately, it seems more so.


They keep me up, my brain likes to ping and chatter.
Especially the two sides: Logic and Emotion.
Constantly discussing everything, especially since there’s been new things, ideas and ideals.

Okay, granted, not new ideas, per se, just beginning to have feel the freedom necessary to express and explore them. Find out if my ideas were actually what I thought they could be or would be. Some may say my ideas are fantasies, and sure, they are, since I’ve never attempted to put them “into play,” as it were. Until now, I haven’t felt comfortable with myself, and fuck if I felt comfortable with anyone else to truly listen to and understand me. My mind is very deviant, very dirty, naughty and unusual. Some would call it kinky. **shrugs** Say what you will, I’m learning myself, and beginning to spread my wings that have been hidden so tightly that the only way to see them was to look closely and carefully listen.

I want to thank everyone in my life… past, present and future…. For being there for me. I believe that things happen for a reason, whether we know at the moment or we find out later, everything that we go through makes us who we are. I looked up fatalist, and I don’t think that I am one… I used to think I was… but makes me rethink this term….below is an excerpt from the Wiki site:

Fatalism is a philosophical doctrine stressing the subjugation of all events or actions to fate.
Fatalism generally refers to any of the following ideas:
The view that we are powerless to do anything other than what we actually do.[1] Included in this is that man has no power to influence the future, or indeed, his own actions.[2] This belief is very similar to predeterminism.
An attitude of resignation in the face of some future event or events which are thought to be inevitable. Friedrich Nietzsche named this idea with “Turkish fatalism”[3] in his book The Wanderer and His Shadow.[4]
That actions are free, but nevertheless work toward an inevitable end.[5] This belief is very similar to compatibilist predestination.
That acceptance is appropriate, rather than resistance against inevitability. This belief is very similar to defeatism.

So, with that all being said or whatnot…. hmmm…… I DO believe that things happen for a reason, good or bad, and change you. But I don’t believe that one can’t change their “destiny” or life. Who knows? I sure as hell don’t… haha The Gods know I’m a lil messed up…. Gotta be messed up a bit to work with the public.

Thus the relief I feel when I’m able to just…… be me…. no fascade, no pretenses, no worries. I love those times when I just exist. Floating, from time to time, on waves of ecstasy and joy. The constant longing and aching for your touch, to feel your lips on mine again, the way your fingertips lightly caress my skin because you know I have little choice but to react with goosebumps and shivers and a deep hungering for you. You know, because you listen and watch and care.

And it’s not always sexual. Just having you near makes me smile. No matter what’s going on or what we’re doing. **shrugs and smiles brightly**

I should be sleeping, but I am not. So much on my mind. Anticipation makes my heart race. No, nothing and no one is perfect, but I think we’re good. Very good. And I can’t help but to smile, a full smile that reaches my ever-changing eyes. Thank you. Yes, most definitely, thank you!! *sighing softly* mmhmm

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