The contract

June 1, 2014 SB and I signed a BDSM (Master/slave, Dominant/submissive) contract for six months.  That ended December 1, 2014.  Initially I was pretty torn up about the fact that SB didn’t care whether we signed a new one or not.  I went on a downward spiral for a few days, after I’d mentioned it to him and asked his opinion on what we should do.  His answer to me was “Well, what do you want?”  I told him that I wanted to sign another one, but it wasn’t wholly necessary.  Quite frankly,  not much, truly changed, in our relationship after we signed the contract because most of the things that we agreed to, we both already did.  The biggest “adjustment” for me was not being able to masturbate whenever I was horny, unless I spoke with him directly.  We are still us, with or without the contract.  Sure it was fun to do, but, we are us…. I know I just said that, but this is the most unique, freeing, fun, and happy relationship I’ve ever been in…. and most times, I don’t know how to react, other than just  let it happen… And sometimes I’m still afraid that it’s all going to end abruptly… I don’t know what I’d do without SB in my life… He’s given me a lot of confidence in myself that I thought I would never have, and he’s helped me see that I’m beautiful and sexy–even if he never tells me these things…

Sometimes, though, I feel that I’ve failed him, disappointed him so much that he didn’t want to sign another contract…   I feel that I’m boring and disgusting, from time to time… He says I don’t bore him, and that he worries that he bores me  **soft chuckle**  The man who’s led me to be more active and healthier?  Bore ME?  HA!  Hardly…

It’s been a year since we met, and almost a year since we’ve been “officially” in an Open Relationship…  Maybe I “scared” him the other day when he was saying that there was a Supervisor position available in his company, but he’d have to move to Cali if he accepted it, and I told him “You know you’ll have to take me with you.”  I was half kidding… again, I don’t know what I’d do without him in my life…  It tears me up to even contemplate it.  I dare say I’d be devastated, at this point in time, at least…  I care so deeply for Him, and I’ve grown greatly attached to him….Now I’m afraid that I’m causing him to pull away or withdraw from me because I’m so deeply attached…. I think he realises it, but I don’t know… I tell him, and I do my best to show him as much as possible…  I know he cares for me, too… he shows me all the time….

One of the most important things I need to remember, is that we were us BEFORE the contract and we’ll still be US even if it’s not renewed… I still wear his collar proudly  **sage nod**

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