A truthful look at my current insecurities…..
I hate them and I hate that I am insecure from time to time….
My biggest fear is that you’ll both find each other more intriguing and interesting than I could ever be and that I’ll be forgotten and tossed into the corner, like so many others have done in the past.
You’ve told me that’s not possible, and like I’ve said to her, until I, personally, see it isn’t going to happen, I won’t be able to believe your words. I trust you implicitly, with my entire being, I just don’t trust myself.
My ancient daemons are cruel and sometimes unrelentless. I’ve told you that, and I know you understand and believe me. So much trust and faith I have in you, I just don’t trust myself.
For so many years I have held self doubt and low self-esteem close to me because I believed what others said about me and tried, in vain, to please everyone but myself. FUCK THEM! my brain screams….. and I’m slowly letting go of those negative thoughts….With both of you helping me…..
She’s scared of losing me because of her past, I’m scared of losing both of you to each other, or that you get bored with me. I’m happy most of the time, but it’s times, like these, when I’m alone and can’t talk to either of you, my daemons pick at me. You’re ugly. You’re fat. You’re disgusting. You’re a freak. No one will ever want you. You don’t deserve happiness. You know you’ll get left behind. They scream at me, and I sit here, crying my eyes out. My brain knows these aren’t true. My emotions take over and listen, as with a train wreck, and can’t seem to shut the pain out. So I’m still sitting here crying.
One word from you and I’ll be right as rain again. It kills me that I can’t do it alone. Not yet. I’m scared.
And I fucking hate it.
Am I a bad person for wanting pleasure all the time? I’ve been hurt so much of my life, for most of my life…. don’t I deserve some relief? How do I control these feelings… both the good and the bad? I want to be able to squelch my daemons, and I’d like to believe that I’m slowly doing it, but then… today they’re screaming so loudly that I know it’s not working. Then there’s the sexual/carnal side of me that’s screaming out for you both…. Am I that self-centered? I love to pleasure others as well…. I enjoy it, especially when I know, without a doubt, that the other is enjoying it…… turns me on, completely.
It’s been a rough day….. I’m gonna be fine…
I just fucking miss you….. **sighs** I need your voice or your arms wrapped around me, comforting me, and reminding me that you want, desire, and care about me. I know all of this in my logical brain…. even my emotional brain knows, I just don’t think it’s always ready to accept… I’m so sorry…..