Confusion
Desperation
Anxiety
These are a few of the things I feel when I think about you and me. I want to help you in your journey, but am I the right “test subject” of your desires? How fair is it to either of us? You’ve told me that you love me and you don’t want to lose me, but you’ve also said that you don’t find me sexually appealing. That was painful. Sure, I’m not the most attractive person in the world, haven’t ever thought that, but your eyes and your body have told me otherwise for years. The words from your mouth cut like the sharpest razor.
Hearing you tell me you don’t know what you want after telling me that you think I’m beautiful and want to make love to me, truly leaves me at a loss … I try to feel more for you but Confusion is the land I’m stuck in, for the moment, or will it always be this way?
I want to reach out and touch you, and hold you and caress you, but I find myself afraid. Not afraid of losing you but afraid of molding you into what I want, like so many others have in your past, and not listening to what you want. I want to make sure this is what you want, that you want me. It scares the shit out of me to think that you only do things because you think I want you to do them.
I want your happiness. With or without me, I want you happy, healthy and having fun. I’d rather know that you’re happier without me than miserable with me and despising the fact that you’re doing things or something or someone (me) that you really don’t want.
I’m finally at a place and time in my life that I’m truly happy. I hope you find the same happiness that I have. I don’t always know how to deal with my new-found happiness. It scares and excites me. Knowing that I have someone (actually two great someones) who care for me more than anyone ever has. I find it sad, ironically in a way, that it’s taken all this time for me to feel this way. Such peace, and true serenity.
I want to hear what you have to say, I always have. I don’t want to hear you say what you think pleases me, I want to know what pleases you, in any fashion, be it during intimacy or when we go out to dinner…
What makes you happy? Aside from my overall goofiness and mimicry?
What turns you on, truly turns you on?
What turns you off?
What do you want to try?
What makes you sad?
I understand your fears, more than you could ever know. I’ve been exactly where you are now. It’s never easy and always scary, but at least, you have me beside you–holding your hand, hugging you, kissing your lips. I’ll be here for as long as you need me.
~~Something that I’ve not told you yet…. I’m scared all the time, especially when it comes to you. That may or may not surprise you, but it’s the truth. I’m so scared of hurting you and scarring you and pushing you into something you’re not ready for and not realising it because you’re afraid to say something for fear of losing me. I’m not going anywhere, as I’ve said before and I’ll continue saying, until you’re done with me. I’m quite understanding, believe it or not. I’ve changed a lot over the last year, and mostly since November this past year. I see more than you know I do, I just choose to not react nor say anything because I’m afraid I’ll scare you.
Openness and honesty are what I ask…. honesty to yourself above all else. Fuck what anyone else has to say, even me, when it comes to something that you like or want to do or try. Do not EVER do ANYTHING for ANYONE unless you want to do it or try it!! Open your mouth and speak what your brain is screaming loudly. Come touch me, if you want. I’m not going to turn you away, nor am I going to ignore you. Just do it because YOU want to and not because you think I might (or do) enjoy whatever it is.
I am finally free to be me…. wait, who’s that? I don’t know, but I’m learning and being taught things on a grand and daily basis. I’m finding out that it’s okay to be me, and think the things I do…. why? Because my feelings are completely valid. They might hurt someone else and they’re definitely not always nice, but they are a part of who I am. And you know what? It’s perfectly fine to have fun and enjoy ME….. and allow others to enjoy me as well. Have fun, this is the only life you’ll have and it’s too short to spend fretting about every little thing. Smile and laugh more, they say it’s good medicine!!!
I started this at work yesterday, had a few scribbles down on paper… I was feeling very dark, confused, hurt, anxious, and very nervous. Your letter to me today turned it all around, you definitely disarmed me. I was talking to SB about it yesterday and all the anxiety I had today after you’d sent me the text about the letter. I told SB that you were probably going to be kicking me out and that I was about to be homeless. Scared. Very scared. SB said that there was no way you’d do that.
I was nervous as I opened the letter, then the tears started welling up in my eyes and brimming over. Thank you for the courage to write what you did. I know that took a lot of guts and fortitude. It was beautiful, still touches me when I think about how much I mean to you.
So, we’re at an odd juncture in our relationship, that doesn’t mean it won’t be beautiful, I think it’s beautiful now. I’m sorry that I can’t offer you more than what we have, right now. I’ve just been torn to shreds in my previous situation and am having too much fucking fun (pun intended) figuring out who I am, and unleashing parts of me that have been quietly muzzled for over a decade… ah fuck, I’m old when I can refer to past times in decades…. damn…..
I’ll be here for you, I promise.
~~A~~