I got stuck in my own head tonight at work. Sounds silly but it happens… and it’s my old demons scratching at me again….
I’m afraid. Afraid of losing everything. All that’s precious and dear to me…. why? I’m not entirely sure, at this time. I seem to come here.. this despair, as it were.. this time of year, most years…. I abhor change… not that a lot is changing, but it’s been changing for some time now, and I’ve been dealing with all of the changes. Most of them have been fantastic… some have been shit-tastic, and I’m pretty good at bouncing back with the bad things.
I think it’s mostly stemming from SB’s and my contract coming to an end in a few days. We’ve not taken the time to discuss what either of us want, lately. His back has been bugging him for a few weeks and I didn’t want to pester him…. I’d just realised it expires on December 1st, just a week or so ago…. it’s been a quick six months… great! I’d asked him what he wanted to do about our contract… and His reply was, “I don’t know, what do you want?” Simple question, really. I’m so afraid of infringing on His life, though, the last year that we’ve been together has been fantastic… granted, in the beginning, I don’t think either of us would have dreamt that we would be in a relationship–with anyone, we were kind of playing a bit of a cat and mouse dance.. Neither of us knew what or how we wanted our relationship to me.. but we both knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that, no matter what… we’ll always be friends… And that still holds true today.
I care deeper for SB than I have anyone, ever. To say that I trust him implicitly goes beyond saying. I, most days, wish there was more I could do for him. He does so much for me, and I, sometimes, feel that I can never repay his kindness nor generosity. **shrugs**
Some days I feel that I fail Him…. but, honestly, I think I just fail myself in my own expectations of myself. I’m hard on myself, and yet he knows how to bring me out of my head and negativity… I find myself asking, afraid to actually ask him if I’ve disappointed him. Have I done something to displease Him?
I know he’s got a lot going on and my focus needs to be in letting his body heal, and that’s what I’ve been doing, but tonight, at work… I allowed the demons to nag and grumble at me… I couldn’t escape them.
I feel like such a spoiled little brat right now… sitting here crying in silence because JJ is just behind me at her computer playing games and I’m torturing and tormenting myself …. all I really want to do is pick up the phone and call SB and have him either soothe me or put me out of my misery… I know he’ll soothe me…. I truly hate when I get like this….
Do I bore him? I’d like to think that I don’t… I think I just have been afraid to tell him about what I’ve been feeling… I don’t know anymore…
I’m such a mess right now….
I know I’ll be fine…. maybe a nap would help…. probably….