This is a letter I wrote to SB… there’s a lot of stuff going on at “home” but not because of Him… a dirty hand has been dealt to myself and my roommate by the apartment complex… and she’s the type to not do anything or want to deal with conflict at all…. and I’m angry… along with a whole gambit of other feelings… but after talking with Him today, I feel better…. not quite 100% better but 90% or so… He always has this unique way of getting me to think about things from a different perspective…. it amazes me…. but, I knew once I talked with Him that I’d be alright, if not 100% better….
I’m feeling extremely upset, frustrated, and disappointed with JJ… she wants to protect her credit by not moving out, even though I’ve told her that they can’t hold moving out against her since they’ve already kicked her out…I’ve been rather hard on her, we’ve both been extremely stressed about the whole ordeal… but if it was just me, I’d be moving out and taking your advice on getting a lawyer and suing their asses off for this “mistake.” But, ultimately, it’s not my decision… I cannot influence her into anything… it’s her decision… but I’ve stressed to her that everything she has to do to deal with the office –from here on out– must be IN WRITING… absolutely, bar none… and none of this “Oh I already did that.” when she didn’t…Sadly, I feel like a child… since I’ve fucked up my credit, because of my ex… I have literally no say in what happens here… and it angers me, frustrates me, and stresses me the fuck out. She’d rather show it all as rosy and great…. when inside she’s dying…. and now I feel that I’m the one dying inside. I have to stand behind her decision to stay…Just as I was looking forward to being able to walk to a park and get a better handle on my fitness…She’s making decisions and she doesn’t know why… she told me last night that she wanted to wait to move so we can “do it right.” And I asked her what she meant… her definition is getting a moving company to move…. I asked her why she thought that way. Sure, if you only have one day to move, yeah…. but if you have a bit more time, then save the farking money and buy a computer table and a new chair for yourself… she “seemed” to brighten up at that prospect, but fucking hell, Daddy… I just don’t get her…I was thinking about everything that I’d said to her last night.. I’m still frustrated and very hurt…. she has her mind made completely up… I THINK she would rather spend a bazillion dollars on a mover than to ever attempt to get friends or potential friends to help…. no one likes to move…. but everyone needs help from time to time…. **sighs**I’m such a mess right now… frustrated and in need of ……. something….. I’m really trying to not cry, but I’m so …..tired of someone not telling me nor knowing what is on their mind…. with you, I know… if I don’t know, I ask…. with her… all I ever get is……”I don’t know.” and she hordes herself with her slot games, old TV shows, and who knows what else…. gods knows it’s NOT porn…Maybe I’m just unbearable to live with… maybe I’m the horrible person… I want answers… I need structure…. I need someone who’s gonna fucking TALK to me about things… and not just wait or “try to protect” me when I don’t fucking need to be protected…I’m making myself sick… and I know I need to stop… there’s no telling what’s going on in her mind… hell, just the other day she was wanting “occasional sex” from me, out of the fucking blue… and now… I don’t know….everything was going well… and now…. I don’t know anything again….
~~The Dirtiest Pony Around~~
I wasn’t going at Him… I just needed a ‘safe place’ I could write/ramble where JJ doesn’t typically see, or can’t see…. (I have my PC locked to a code, so no one can get into it if they don’t know the code once the screen saver pops up.) Ok, so we’re gonna be staying here for another nine months… not too long… and maybe, by that time, there’ll be a house available for us??!! Those are good thoughts…but, I don’t really want to get attached to the apartment we have now… I feel distanced to it now… and, honestly, at this point, if JJ stumbles across this, though I know she knows the address to this blog, I don’t care…. this is me in the raw.. she saw me bawling my eyes out this morning, and it seemed as if she didn’t give a rat’s ass… I know she doesn’t like conflict…. she probably doesn’t want to know what I’m thinking…. and I’m almost to the point that I don’t give a rat’s ass about anything about her…. almost… not quite….