Want 2.21.2014

*sighing loudly and with a heavy heart*
I wish I could give you all that you want.
It’s not that I’m incapable of love nor falling in love.
I’ve been there, quite recently.

I’m not ready.
not for settling down.
I’m just discovering who I am,
learning to unleash my darkness.
My daemons still haunt me,
but I’m beginning to tame them.
Muzzle their ugly words and thoughts.
It’s difficult for me.
I know you don’t see it:
all of my struggles.
I’m far from perfect.
far far far from it.
But that doesn’t mean I’m not a beautiful person
even on the outside,
–something I’ve wrestled.

I am moody and complicated.
I need passion and tenderness.
I know you’ve seen me raw in my hunger.
but tonight, I needed tenderness.
And you were hungry,
for me? yes?
I’m sorry I let you down.

I get confused,
I’m doing my best to keep my word.
I’m sorry if I seem to, or actually shut down.
I’m at a crossroads in my journey as well.
It’s not easy.

I don’t often let people in
so very close.
It is scary and unsettling.

I, too, have a mask I use.
quite often.
I get hurt easily,
though I’m learning:
fuck everyone else,
I deserve happiness, love and pleasure.
Not an easy thing to do,
at first, at least.
But, I’m not dead nor anywhere near dying,
And, in fact, I’m quite happy.
Fuck everyone else, not literally, mind you.
someone, fucking, please ME goddamnity!!

I care dearly for you,
you know that.
but, I know it’s difficult for you,
to know that I’m not ready
for more than what we have.
And what we have is beautiful,
though it might be confusing to you.
and I’m saddened
that I cannot give you more.
You’re very dear to me.
I love what we have.
My best friend.
with best benefits.

I need you to be honest with yourself,
completely, brutally honest.
Even if you think it’s going to hurt me,
I’d rather live with the painful truth,
than live with knowing you’re not honest.
You have to do this for you.
Do what YOU want to do,
See who you want to see,
Say and be with who you want.
All I want is your happiness,
complete honesty,
Don’t do anything you don’t want to do,
simply because you fear losing that person.
Because, simply, that person was never meant to be in your life,
if they won’t listen…..

**sighing softly this time**

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